Funnies, old and new ....

Hi There,

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night. 

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." 

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" 

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

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I saw this poem some time ago and only recently came across it on Facebook ...  Enjoy !

The computer swallowed Grandma, Yes, honestly it’s true! She pressed 'control and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It devoured her completely, The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind; I've even used the Internet, But nothing did I find. In desperation, I asked Mr. Google My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, Not a thing was found 'online.' So, if inside your 'Inbox,' My Grandma you should see, Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' her, And send her back to me. This is a tribute to all the Grandmas & Grandpas, Nanas & Pops, who have been fearless and learned to use the Computer.........They are the greatest!!! We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing. NEVER Be The First To Get Old!

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.  Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.  After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;

'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?' 

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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". ~~~ ~~~ ~~~  Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!" ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ Cheers, Kate xxx.